Music to soothe the soul…

So it has been a big few weeks since my last post. 3rd chemo done. As bad as the last one with fatigue, nausea, dizziness, and oh, not having anything resembling a normal sleeping pattern! But that is ok, at least we know the tumor is shrinking so it is all worth it, but it still doesn’t stop me worrying. Hence the sleep issues:(

I have always had some form of insomnia but it seems to be worse with chemo. Being a worrier from a young age, night-time usually finds me in over psycho-analysis mode, even with the help of sleeping tablets, or natural sedatives, or lavender spray – you name it I have tried it. Being the last one to go to sleep in the house doesn’t help either – nothing like dead silence to activate an over-active mind! So my mind has wandered to stressing about work, to feeling like a useless lump and leaving Justin to keep the house and family running smoothly to worrying if the lump is really shrinking to why why why do I have to feel so sick all the time. I wanted to be this positive woman, kicking cancers butt and most days I feel reduced to sobbing tears and feeling weak and useless and very self concious and not up to the challenge. I can’t be positive all the time. No-one can.

But I am learning to accept that that is perfectly OK. That I need to stop expending useless emotional energy worrying but instead surrender to my emotions from time to time because I need to cry and howl at the world and how unfair this all is. Luckily, Justin and a few select others are the only witnesses to this, although I would like to thank the StarTrack delivery man who I opened the door to mid crying session. The poor man looked at my bald head and said ‘Hey I shaved for a cure too!!”. I burst into tears and said no, I have cancer, but I’m OK . The poor man. He was so lovely. Came back a few minutes later and left me his number to call if I needed someone to talk to and he wanted to make sure I was OK. Great. Now the delivery man thinks I’m loopy but I must say his unexpected kindness still touched me.

So I am trying to focus on all the positives when I can but also give in to the sads when they do occur. One of my oldest friends has also just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I am heartbroken for her but we can go through this together and help one another. Plus, for all my own schoolfriends, if 1 in 8 women are going to get breast cancer as the statistics suggest, then we got you covered, we have taken two for the team! The unexpected messages and phone calls and visits and gifts, the visits from my in-laws to help us out for a few days, a hand folding laundry, help taking my girls to sporting and dancing and work commitments, and generally people forgiving me when my brain totally forgets anything and everything. I enjoyed a beautiful weekend away with some of my oldest friends, got the best room (because, ‘cancer girl’ LOL), and had the best laughs I have had in a long time. I got to experience a wonderful makeup and skincare session with other cancer patients that gave me a chance to feel grateful that I have reached a level of acceptance that some others are yet to find. Plus, scored designer makeup that made Eliza almost weep with jealousy.  All these things are apprieciated more than you know. Because yes, chemo brain is a thing and it has well and truly hit. Justin is almost used to me asking him “How was work?” at least 3 times before dinner. Even when he answered the first time.

So. Music. I have always loved music and when I was younger, always listened to it before I went to sleep so I have returned to that. I still do my nightly reading, will never give that up, but headphones in and off I go and it does seem to be working. Music is relaxing me and making me worry less about things I have no control over. I have an acoustic list I listen to because, quite frankly, if you google ‘songs to fight cancer’, most are not to my taste and border on Celine Dion like treacle that makes me want to punch someone. I have gone acoustic so I don’t get jerked awake by any sudden drum solos:). Finally, the point of this post….my favourite song on my current playlist is Florence and the Machines “Never Let Me Go’. A songs meaning, I feel, can be interpreted in many ways but I love this version because for me, it perfectly sums up surrendering to what is happening to me, and accepting it. I am not giving up, but I am giving in, as the song says. I think I have spent so much time trying to fight my cancer I forgot to learn to accept that I cannot change it and need to ‘go with the flow’, accept the tears, the sickness, and save that energy for when I really need it. For now, surrendering is acceptance, and I am hoping that will help me feel less vulnerable, less helpless and less a burden.

And the playlist? It changes, and suggestions welcome, but my nightly dose of sleep therapy is as follows:

1. “Never Let Me Go’ – Florence & the Machine
2. “Skinny Love’ – Bon Iver
3. “Your Song” – Ellie Goulding
4. “Shake it Out’ – Florence & The Machine
5. “Flame Trees” – Sarah Blasko
6. ‘She Keeps me Warm” – Mary Lambert
7. ‘Watch Over Me’ – Bernard Fanning
8. ‘Landslide” – Robyn Sherwell
9. ‘Song to the Siren” – This Mortal Coil
10. ‘All I Want is You”- U2
11. ‘Nightswimming” R.E.M
12. ‘Morning Yearning” – Ben Harper
13. ‘Hallelujah’ – Jeff Buckley
14. ‘I Will Follow You into the Dark” – Death Cab for Cutie
15. “Georgia” – Vance Joy

A bit eclectic, very me and personal but all songs I love that seem to make me feel more at peace with myself and what this cancer is doing to my family and myself. And that can only be a positive thing:)

Much Love

Kath xxxx